I think about you almost everyday. More now, than I did when you were still alive. As my head starts filling up with thoughts of you, I start feeling this tightness in my heart so I quickly stop.
There’s just so much I’ve had to say…
I’ve only cried once since last year and I barely speak of you. I guess you can say it’s my way of protecting myself.
I know that what happened to you was tragic. I know that it wasn’t your fault. I also know that you are loved and very much missed.
And I wish I could say that I share those feelings too, but I can’t…
I can’t miss you because one can’t miss someone that was never there.
So here it is… Here is what I wish I could say to you…
The time I had with you wasn’t enough.
I was robbed. Robbed of the opportunity to know the father your other kids know and love.
And cheated. Definitely cheated of the opportunity to know where I come from and what you meant to me.
I had waited for you to come into my life. And when you finally did… you disappointed me.
I came to realize that I was never going to be fully accepted by you and I was done letting you juggle around with my feelings…
That’s why I stopped answering your calls.
I resented you for not appreciating me. For not being grateful that I had allowed you into my life without any harsh feelings. All I had were some questions. Questions that were never answered because you would just beat around the bush.
The last time I thought of you before your death was on your birthday. I remember the exact moment and I remember how upset I was. Upset that I had thought of you when I don’t even think you knew my own birthday.
The truth is… I wanted to know you. I wanted to love you and appreciate you. I wanted to find myself in you. And I wanted you to enjoy and cherish your only grandchildren; who carry so much of you in them.
But now it’s too late… you’re gone and with you vanished the hope I had of someday having some sort of connection or at least some closure.
My only regret I guess is that I didn’t push harder, that I didn’t demand more of you. I just let things be and we simply ran out of time.
I don’t hate you. I never did and never will. Hate towards you or anyone in your family was never installed in me. I may have not agreed with my mother’s (or your mutual) decisions but I’ve come to understand and respect the choices that were made.
I’m a love child… created by a love that was never possible. I don’t know if you ever really knew how much my mother loved you but I do and I feel it in how much she loves me.
So there it is…
I want you to know that I forgive you for not being in my life and for not standing up for me. My heart still needs some healing but I’ll get there… just know that no matter what, a part of you will always live within me.
Descansa en paz M.O.